things I've considered getting my mother this...
I’m struggling with what to get my mother for Mother’s Day. In fact I’ve already settled on a pathetic phone call saying, “Sorry I didn’t get you anything” because I know she’s obligated through the rules of the universe to still love me. But my mother deserves so much more, definitely more than a weak apology for giving up on...
7 Steps To Get Laid This Valentine's Day
I found this post in my drafts. I must have written it for V-day, but decided I didn’t like. I like it now. So, even though it’s belated, I hope you enjoy it. ….. 7 Steps To Get Laid This Valentine’s Day Big stuffed animals. Live it. Learn it. Nothing says “Lets bone” like a note that says, “This big ass bear can watch us bone.” Learn some magic. First pull a coin...
On Discovering Boobs
…… I hardly knew boobs existed until Chelsea Winters. Then I wanted to see every. single. one. I was 10 years old in after school day care. I sat in a notoriously small school desk chair; the size in which only one adult butt cheek fits. It was so small Chelsea had to bend over to talk to me. Chelsea was one of the daycare teachers. She was an older girl,...
…….. Come up with your own inside message for this card. I’ll make up an ACTUAL card for my favorite and send it to you in the ACTUAL mail. Some ideas: Flop around on top of each other Get drunk and make fun of poor people Get high and watch Law and Order See other people
A Very Murray Christmas Indeed!
I made for you all a little Christmas card. The outside looks like this: The inside looks like this: AND GOD BLESS US! EVERY JUAN! Print it, fold it, it’s your own Murray Christmas:
"How's college?" What you say vs. what you mean.
This is a post I pitched to collegehumor. They rejected it. For your enjoyment. When family asks you “How’s college?” this Thanksgiving, this is what you say vs. what you mean. ……… [[MORE]] tweet/facebook/share: http://goo.gl/KLHJ9
These almonds are so emotional!
How to Write a Resume
The most important weapon in your job-seeking arsenal is your resume. It’s supposed to represent the YOU that companies want. No, not the REAL you. Obviously they don’t want the REAL you, otherwise YOU’D have a job. They want the boring, queef version of you. And your resume is the best way to show it! Here are some tips on how to write a resume. Be formal. People want to know...
Let Us Be Elegant or Die.
Fashion is confusing to me because I find it impossible to understand why/when/how something is “in”. My girlfriend says it all the time. I’ll ask her, “Why are you wearing pants on your head?” And she’ll say, “Because it’s in.” I love the idea that simply saying something is “in” makes it socially acceptable. All...
I'm An Ignorant Twat
… Here’s my attempt at bi-partisanship. This is me reaching across the aisle. Now that this election is all over, can we all finally agree on this one thing? We don’t know what the fuck we’re talking about. I like to believe I’m an informed voter, but really I am an ignorant twat. Yeah there are things I’m convinced about - women’s,...
Halloween Safety Tips
It’s Halloween! Time to remember those who have died and usher in a new season. But fuck that - candy! Trick-or-treating can be fun, but it can also be dangerous because it’s the one night we can assume EVERYONE IS TRYING TO KILL YOUR CHILDREN. So break out the paranoia and rash conclusions because I’ve got some tips to keep your child safe this Halloween. Make sure your...
Celebrity Diaries: Julianne Moore
Dear Diary, I counted. I’ve shown my vagina in exactly 130 movies. Most of those were just me videotaping my cooch. Guess that’s it. Gonna go fall asleep listening to a cassette of me crying in “The Hours.” Love, Julianne
Every Tumblr Post Ever
1. Harry Potter .gif 2. Picture of an unrealistically cute couple making out in their underwear 3. Ambiguous, disturbed and handwritten poem/quote/lyric about a breakup 4. Cats in compromising positions 5. Some girl’s legs 6. A series of .gifs that would make more sense as a video etc… 7. Pictures of places you can’t afford to visit
Babies With Real Problems
I’m working on a project that requires me to look at a multitude of crying babies. At first I thought it was cute sad. Then I realized they were crying over menial problems. They have no concept of real world tragedy. Until now. ….. ….. …..
The Number of Friends Who've Caught Me Pantless is...
It’s four. Four friends have caught me pantless. The first time was in high school. I arrived home after a half day at school, which meant I had time to wank one before my parents came home. I readied myself in the computer room. At my feet was a pair of pants in case they arrived home early. Within arms reach were tissues. The computer room conveniently faced the street so I...
A Page From Ryan Gosling's Diary
Dear Diary, I woke up in a bed of silk and women. Just another day. They were all scrambling to mount me. “But I can’t,” I said, “Another time, Jessica,” and “You were wonderful, Teresa.” I called each of them by name because I’m great with names. Then I called each of their mother’s just to talk, just to see what they were...
Kickstart My Career
I lost my job. So that sucks. Maybe I’ll start a kickstarter for a job. Kickstart my career. I’m asking for $30,000. For $1 why waste your time pledging a dollar? What will a dollar get me? Jesus. Grow up. Fine. For $1 I’ll send you a letter. Which means after postage, paper, envelopes and time spent that dollar is useless to me. I will write “fuck you” in big...
On Tequila and Friends
^^^ I’m pretty sure this was taken that night, but who’s to say? ^^^ ….. I needed friends. It was my freshman year of college. I had just moved into an off campus apartment. At first I thought it would be the ideal college experience. But it wasn’t. Sure there were no RAs or “rules”, but there was also no hallway of hot girls and drinking buddies. I couldn’t hang out...
I Don't Have an iPhone and That's Okay. I Think.
….. I’m feeling a lot of peer pressure to get an iPhone. I have exactly four days to decide if I want it and i’m getting anxiety. I don’t think I do, but almost everyone I’ve consulted has told me to get one. They say things like, “grow up and get a big boy phone. What are you stupid?” I’ll admit I would feel pretty cool. However, I...
How to Attract Any Woman
….. Practice your sexy stare: Don’t blink or break eye contact from her chest for at least 20 seconds. Show her what you want: Research shows that men who have lowered eyelids are associated with short-term relationships and risky behaviors. Just sit at the bar with your eyes closed. You want sex and you want it now. Enlist a furry wingman: I mean your dog. A hairy friend will work...
My Interview With a 5-year-old
Me: What's your name?
Me: How old are you?
Me: What do you do for work?
Alden: I don't work. I don't go!
Me: If you did, what would you do?
Alden: I don't work!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Alden: Dinosaur, dinosaur, dinosaur.
Alden: No, a doctor.
Me: What kind?
Alden: A nurse. No, a stinky one.
Me: What is a stinky doctor?
Alden: Someone who comes to my place and brushes my teeth. Then I stay up late and watch tv in the morning.
Me: Have you been to the doctor?
Me: What did you do there?
Alden: Eat candy. No one can have it. It's my gum. It's only good for me.
Me: What's your favorite thing to do in the whole world?
(I've never seen him paint anything in his whole short life. Generally he likes asking to watch tv, climbing all over me, and farting. Sometimes all at once.)
Me: What do you like to paint?
Alden: Cars. Tyrannosaurus Rex. I want to paint.
(Alden starts painting)
Me: What's your family like?
Alden: Mom looks like her. Dad looks like her. My brudder looks like him. Camille looks like him.
Alden: That's it.
(Alden gets quiet and uninterested.)
Me: How do you feel about this interview?
Alden: Not good.
Alden: I don't have my glasses on.
Me: What glasses.
Alden: My sunglasses. I used to have them as a kid.
Me: As a kid?
Me: Anything else you want to say?
Alden: No. N-O. Duck. Quack. NO!
He's a Homo.
I’ve been told I was “being gay” or “faggy” for a lot of things, especially in high school. Drama club was “faggy.” The way I ran in track was “pretty gay.” Every day I walked in to Spanish class one kid greeted me, “What’s up faggot?” The thing is…I’m not Gay Growing up, my dad bought large packs of toothbrushes in multiple colors. Sometimes, after all...
Sixth Grade Dance
I went to my first school dance in sixth grade because three eighth grade girls told me to “save them a dance.” Until that point I hadn’t spoken with many girls. In fact girls had been mostly mean to me. (Are all girls mean at that age?) I was incredulous that not one, but three girls wanted to include me in something other than name-calling. And these weren’t any girls....
Top 5 Personality Traits Women Want in Men
Sense of humor: Women love a guy who can laugh. But not at poop or dead baby jokes. Women love guys who think baby animals in compromising positions are hilarious. Intelligence: But don’t be a nerd about it. Jeez. Passion: Be passionate about something like music, movies, or drinking. Avoid atypical passions like collecting stamps or toe nail clippings. Total turn offs. Confidence:...
50 Things America Does Best (part 4)
Don McLean says thumbs down America. ….. I just found out in GQ that numbers 2-12 are advertisements …like the second thing America does best is a pocket knife. But I’m pretty sure the Swiss Army makes a better one. And number one, are you ready? “We’re number one at being number one” They go on to cite reasons like “superheroes” and...
50 Things America Does Best (part 3)
….. This list is based on GQ’s 50 Things America Does Better than Anywhere Else ….. It’s July 4th and everyone has a holiday. But I don’t think we should. Freedom never has a holiday. Except where there are dictators and tyrannies. Then freedom totally takes a vacation. ….. 30. Moving shit across the country. God bless Uhaul and the United States Postal...
50 Things America Does Best (part 2)
^^^America: the band^^^ ….. This list is based on GQ’s 50 Things America Does Better Than Anywhere Else …. 40. Competitive Sports. Might be because we’re also the best at steroids. We’re competitive at everything. Like world records. Come to America! Home of the largest competitive pokemon videogame family. I bet they also hold the world record for having the...
50 Things America Does Best
… This list is based on GQ’s 50 Things America Does Better 50. White people singing about hardships. Black people did it first and best, but white people made more money off it. 49. Poor people. Yea, other countries have lots more (and worse off) poor people, but we have the resources to make our poor NOT poor. AND WE REFUSE TO. Cuz we don’t give a fux. 48. Style. We may be...
How to Beat the Heat
… Avoid rooms without air conditioners. Keep your air conditioner on full blast. WE’RE AMERICANS! THIS IS THE FIRST WORLD! FUCK MOTHER EARTH! Don’t have an AC? Get a fan! They’re like $5 at CVS. Get 10 of them! Point them all at you. Avoid going outside; except when you need groceries/ice cream/to escape your overbearing girlfriend. I always keep cool with my...
Be an X-Men
Growing up, I wanted to be an X-man. But I just watched X-men, and I realized being an X-man can suck as much as being average ole me. I imagined the powers I could have. I wanted to be unique. How cool would it be to heal in minutes? To conjure ice from air? (What a party trick!) But there are still assholes who’d cut you just to watch you heal, (a new saying), and a drunk guy would...
What to do After Graduating College
… Graduate from school with a degree in fantasies, false hopes, and great memories of binge drinking! LOL! Get your own apartment! Buy all your furniture at Ikea! Apply for so many jobs! Don’t get any of them! Suddenly realize your loans will prevent you from owning a home, car, or having a family/happiness before you’re 35! Get a job as a waiter or cashier! Be sure...
Things I Find Sexy In Women In My 20s
… After I turned 16, I would have taken any girl who threw herself at me. But girls don’t throws themselves at me. My standards were none. Now they are these: Financial stability Likes a good dick joke No septum piercings Birth control Won’t get wicked drunk and want to talk about our relationship Breasts Not a penis Sundresses Emma Watson Over 18 Brunettes ...
I’m trying to begin a career as a copywriter. The hope is that I can get a paycheck for my otherwise worthless creativity. When I apply for the job, this is how I imagine the interview will go: … Mr. Johnson: So why copywriting? Me: Well it’s really just until my tumblr gets a book deal/ my screenplay sells/ money falls from the sky. Mr. Johnson: You live in a fantasy. Why...
I made a fake OkCupid account. His name is JoyFuckClub. I use it to send girls messages. Don’t worry. I’m not messing with anyone’s heart. Girls get weirder messages than mine. This is my about me: . . . These are some the questions I’ve answered: . . . These are some of the messages I’ve sent. This first girl’s name is JKMaeby: This girl...
How To Be a Man
Be clever like Neil Patrick Harris. Be charming like Jon Hamm. Be funny like Aziz Ansari. Be sexy like Ryan Gosling. Be H.A.M. like Jay-Z Kill animals for sport. Grow a moustache. Any moustache will do. Except something patchy. Or Mexican lip hair. Shave your moustache. You did it wrong. You look stupid. Grow a beard instead. Trim your beard every once in a while. You’re starting...
My Grandpa is Dead
I really liked my grandpa. I didn’t want him to die. I had nice memories of him. When I visited, he greeted me at the door with a big smile and, “Heyyy kid!” He taught me how to eat a grapefruit, how to cut it and sprinkle it with sugar. We shared a grapefruit and ate Raisin Bran every morning while he read the paper. He wore a khaki, short sleeve, button down. Every day....
What Turns Me On
I went through a Cosmo and it asked, “What turns you on?” I guess willingness is a big factor. Like if she seems into me, or there’s a possibility she MIGHT be into me. If she just got to know me. Basically consent. Consent is hot. Anything gets me going really. I get dirty thoughts any time. Dirty thoughts don’t wait for me, they KRAMER. They come and go...